My journey in faith is getting harder as my mind grows older and I become increasingly aware of the sin steeped world I am in. I sometimes yearn for the days where I just blindly trusted, there were no questions, no doubts, no lust for logic or visible, tangible evidence. I feel world weary at 17, and sceptical as I know it's going to get worse...
So my prayer is this: keep me close to you.
The 'future' is rapidly approaching. This 'future' has always been a distant, blurred blip on a hazy sevanah. I don't think I ever believed it would come. But now it's bearing its teeth and I'm having to confront it. And as i'm writing to you right now, I'm in those three deep breathes before the fight begins. This 'future' I'm talking about is leaving school. School, this shell, this sheild, this prison, this safe and comfortable haven, is about to be ripped away from me. I feel like a snail that's been plucked from its leafy green sanctuary and hurled into a desert.
In a way it's a good thing because it will force me to cling to you. Grappling with the unknown and uncomfortable will force me to fall back to you as you will be the only familiarity in a universe of strangeness. I pray, I plead, I deplore that you will live in me, be my guide, be my confidence, be my topic of conversation, be the thing that people see when I walk past and smile.
My mind will betray me, this I know. Predators like worry, despair, lonliness and hate will prey on me as I forget your promises. In this way, memory is like a poison. Slowly, agonisingly, drawing me into sin, I will forget your love for me, I'll forget that I need to serve you, I will sucumb to selfishness.
But Lord, you say in your infallible word that these things crumble in the face of your love. These things shall never separate me from you. We can conquer them because you can use them for good. So what power do they have over me? Nothing.
Romans 8 v33-37:
'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us.'
We are not exempt from suffering, but we do not need to be afraid of it because you will always conquer it. Be my armour against the snarls of this enemy God, through this battle I pray that I'll mature in faith and become a better servant for you so that when it's over I can rise victorious with you in eternity. Amen.
Love and prosperi-tea :)