I would do a lovely introduction, but that would be beating around the bush and I've been doing that for far too long.
Do you ever have those days where you're just 'out of it'?
I've had several months like this.
I've never been drunk, so I'm not entirely sure what its like, but I'm guessing how I've felt is a bit like that. Everything is kind of real, but oh so very much not! You can hear and see and smell and know and think, but you can't really respond. Because you can't really feel.
Most of my friends know this already and they have been the most supportive Sisters in Christ a girl could ever wish for! They have prayed for me, comforted me, guided me, spoken Godly words of encouragement over me, and (most importantly of all) loved me!
Despite this, I haven't really had a truly emotional response to something in a very long while. It's just been a sort of sensational numbness.
And I've known what it is all along.
This is what its like to be distant from God. This is what its like to feel shame, and guilt, and hatred, and judgement, and loneliness, and fear, and self-consciousness, and worthlessness, and lies, and evil, and darkness and God-lessness. And I hate it.
|'Just because you're present doesn't mean that you're here' ~ Switchfoot|
I have become a shadow of myself. I'm the same shape as me but I'm hollow and empty. You and I may recognize me, but we can't know me. Not this me. This me is so absent from the me that God sees me as and the me that God is calling me to be that it hurts. It aches. Its tearing me apart. Its dangerous to know this me.
God is forgiving. If I want to feel absolution, then I have to seek God.
God is peace. If I want to feel contentment, then I have to seek God.
God is comfort. If I want to feel companionship, then I have to seek God.
God is beauty. If I want to feel worth loving, then I have to seek God.
God is truth. If I want to feel reality, then I have to seek God.
God is love. If I want to feel emotions, then I have to seek God.
God is my identity. If I want to find myself, then I have to seek God.
And I have been absent from myself for a long while.
A message to me: With His strength I will find my way back to you...